TRUTH or "FALLS" (I like 'em both)...

The past few months were tough... I was half-half...
Technically, I was more dead than alive... God got me back to LIFE...

I often find myself doing and feeling nothing... Ironically, my mind/thoughts are overwhelmingly filled with so many things... couldn't find my balance... Twas not really mind boggling but I was at a loss for words... I've got a lot of stories to tell, actually too much, that I don't know where to start so I always end up not writing or saying anything at all... there was pain all over my body but my disposition was numb, floating and just too occupied to give attention to it... is this what they call "MIDLIFE CRISIS"? I was not in denial, my mind was just too absent to care... I wanted to pay attention but where do I start? how? when? so I was basically doing things like a puppet... feeling nothing (figuratively?)... that feeling when you are just too happy or too sad but it was too overwhelming to recognize which is which...

I made it a point to have myself isolated from everyone, everything up until I get back to who I used to be... and even that, confuses me... who am I? who was I? who do I want to be? how do I feel? what really matters to me? or who? I just don't know... I was and I guess still in a limbo right now... I couldn't figure it out... God never left my side (maybe He was the one who made my "self-solitary-confinement" possible)... The boys have always been so supportive... their support gave me freedom, peace of mind... they've always made me feel loved and cared for (even that was in thin air)... They bring me to places (places I've never been to) but it's like there but my mind was somewhere else... don't get me wrong, I was always having the time of my life "DURING" our FUNmily bonding/travels & activities but then again after when my physical body gets tired, my brain recognizes the exhaustion & pain but my soul couldn't figure out how or what it feels...

my current TRUTH was too complicated that I feel this way... I am way too blessed to complain (and what's even there to complain about anyway?!) but I was way too stubborn to recognize anything AT ALL (it's just so not me... I always have time even to tell my story up to the minute detail of my life that others already find me so annoying...) oh, for the first time in forever, I also had no idea who I was referring to when I say "OTHERS"... coz even myself became others (to me)... I know I'm not losing my mind coz I always get things done (just had no idea how I did it or how I felt about it...) I even got commended for the job well done... but the recognition/s that I have always been longing for also became something that I couldn't pay attention to... this JUST isn't me (for some reason)...

Anti-SOCIAL became a religious practice for months now... knowingly & unknowingly bothersome?!? but there's a piece of heaven in that part... Limbo is but my world yet peace has brought me to this stage when I say it best by saying nothing at all...

(unfinished thoughts)