Lately (for the past few weeks), Life has been messing up with me... I'd rather say that than quote that my life is a mess coz for me, apparently, it's still not that bad.... I'm just deciphering the messages of those mysterious mishaps that are happening one after the other or piling up if I may say so... it just seems like my endurance, my faith, my patience is on the line... they are being tested... my health deteriorated just when I thought that dealing with it has become of those boring games that I've gotten used to, a new challenge appeared, one that is more intense and tiring to begin with... one that I am not at all ready to face... I never saw it coming... then another trial came upon... as I've mentioned, one that I also didn't see coming... I never expected I'd be talking to God all day and night... He made our conversations like breathing... something that I wouldn't dare stop coz the risks are too high to try... It came to a point that even writing this blog has taken so long... coz even just making it part of my itinerary was way too messy to matter...
When I had the chance to have a breather, I really made it a point to grab it... but even while I was having that breather, another mishap happened... something that made me think if that mishap was "THE" sign of my end? was it a practice of goodbye to my greatest love of all? and my SONshine? could it be one of the last few sunsets I'd spend with them?!
On the other hand, the silver lining was, being non-existent in my social media circle assured me that I won't be missed. At the very least, there's one good thing that would lay me down to rest (in PEACE): nobody except my family and some very few friends asked how I was (coz my social media accounts were deactivated or unusually quiet, static)... my motility was brought about by the circumstances I was facing... I was never alone but my mind and my heart were both in solitary confinement... only God could hear the rage in my soul... but I was ironically at peace despite the rage (coz I hardly ever say a word that people could hear, inaudible to say the least... days passed to weeks but that was it... they just passed...) My disappearance was hardly noticed...
MY one & only BIG
My ONE GREAT LOVE
God is my TIME-KEEPER (If I could save TIME IN A BOTTLE, I would)
Our ONE & ONLY SONshine
MY LIFE
If I could save time in bottle, the first thing that I'd like to do was to save everyday til eternity passes away I'd spend them with you (my boys & God)... that was the song of my life when were in-front of the vastness of the sea/ocean, the skies and the sun were the only audience we've had then... when I lost the most precious tangible things that I have, it dawned on me that I HAVE NOTHING...
the vastness & infinity of the skies & the ocean made me feel like I'm just a grain of sand in this Universe
I AM NO ONE... didn't dare ask God why coz He already answered it before I even thought of asking by showing me the reality that I have my two boys: Big & our only SONshine... I may lose everything but not them.... the sun rose and set, I lost everything I had when I went there but not them... then it came to mind that God spoke to me loud enough that tears just fell that what I was seeing then and hearing were the only ones I needed to live... my only God, my one & only love: Big, & our one and only SONshine:Jacob... the free air, the free sun, the sea (salt & water) -technically not free but God-given ;-P on our way home it was just us 3.... FUNmily... they capped my day... the only day when my voice was again audible (annoyingly?)...
The loss will always linger on... like MYSTERIES coz I will MISS those tangible things TERribly but they will be held as precious memorIES that I will remember til the day I pass on... they will remain safe in my heart, mind and soul eternally... I'm getting too good at goodbyes nowadays... must I be worried?
I'm in dire need of an explanation right now or probably answers to the questions I asked the universe about...
Like: Am I too busy looking at the lies around me that I have forgotten my own truth...
I did some meditation a few days back (not so-long yet just since I last posted the continuation...
and refocused that reflection when the tragic truth slapped me on the face)....
Is it because I said I'd rather be hurt with a truth than be comforted with a lie that a tragic truth also had to hurt me BIGTIME?! (I forgot to tell the universe that I am still in the process of recuperating and still not that strong to face any kind of any trial -just yet- I know I'd be, but not this soon)
I used to ask the universe of whatever good thing I've done (of course with gratitude and joy in my heart) to deserve all the blessings that came my way... for some reason, ironically, the same universe showed me that those blessings are tangible (I'm always aware of that-I was raised well-grounded), Everything is temporary (hence, I never attached myself to worldly treasures) and they cannot suffice the pain of the unseen trials that I faced and the ones that I'm just about to endure (I'm well-aware that those are incentives and aren't going last more than God's intangible blessings, like the happy moments I have with my boys, those are the long and lasting strength that comforts me when I'm weak)... Change is the only constant in this lifetime, I live by it... my parents prepared me & my siblings well enough for the worse, that's the only way they're rest assured that we can survive, surpass and surprise the world that we can go with flow... RESILIENT is our middle name...
Guess, I was so used to all the perks and privileges that I felt were the prize for hanging on too long despite the excruciating physical pain I endured through the years... much to my surprise, there's more to that physical pain and hurtful lies that meet the eye... I thought that chapter had just ended... didn't know it was a series... hence, my resilience was again tested... fortunately, as vulnerable as I was, I managed to deal with it once step at a time... it was never easy, believe when I say, as I get stronger, the challenges I face become meaner, tougher yet I find it humbling in some ways...
I've mentioned several times that I have more than 85K photos (un-posted in my FB account... but never had the chance to post coz of the lack of time? too many things to do? I always choose to live life and and enjoy what's left of it -in my case-) much to my heart's desire to show it, I never really had the luxury of time to even arrange it... I thought I'd be able to lessen that posting thing when I start this random rambling blogging but just by the mere thought of it tires me already (I couldn't find it in my heart to keep it to myself and not share coz they're so post-worthy, those photos are captured memories of our family's adventures, foodgasms, travel and whatnot's)
Our First Christmas in NYC
Wandering in one of the wonders of the world as BIGBANGTRILOGY
Our First Christmas @ Jacob's Condo
Our First OOTC (out of the country) Adventure as BIGBANGTRILOGY
BIGBANGTRILOGY: FIRST DISNEYWORLD ADVENTURE @ Florida, US
ME&YOU:JUST US 2 @ HOLOCAUST MONUMENT, Boston, Massachusetts
ME&YOU:JUST US 2 @ The Peak, Hong Kong
Our one & only SONshine's First day in College
BIG💗BANG Growing old with you corner @ Jacob's Condo
Bang with childhood friends @ the Memorial Sky Monument, NJ, US
BIGBANGTRILOGY FIRST OOTC (out of the country) adventure @ Sydney, Australia
Bang wandering at another wonder of the world @ TAJ MAHAL, India
BIG💗BANG @ Holiday Inn, Hongkong with Cheer Family
First OOTT (out of town trip) with Jacob's new car
Our Last New Year Celebration with family before we migrated to NYC
Our First GRAND (both sides of the family) REUNION after we became NYC migrants
First Christmas with our relatives in US
BIGBANGTRILOGY Annual Team Building
First Thanksgiving in NYC
First Apple Picking in New York with Kinfolks
First Family Reunion in CHICAGO, US (My Side)
First OOS (out of State) long drive - Washington, DC
First Christmas Eve @ Rockefeller as BIGBANGTRILOGY
Central Park Autumn Photoshoot for Jacob's Portfolio as Freelance Professional Photographer
First time @ Brooklyn Bridge as Tourists BIG💗BANG
First Time in NJ as tourists @ my Relative's place
First Balikbayan ME&YOU:JUST US 2 Tagaytay-Date a
First Time NY Upstate as BIG💗BANG
Father & Son Bonding after the Proposal 214 as Balikbayans
Mom & Son Tourist Mode in Sydney, Australia
First Autumn as NYC Migrants @ Central Park
Nanay's First NYC visit - Upstate @ Montauk with BIGBANGTRILOGY
First ME&YOU:JUST US 2 Balikbayan trip @ Cheers Family's (weddings & birthday)
Jacob's First car in NYC @ Manhattan
Winter OOST (out of State Trip) BIG💗BANG @ Washington,DC
Mom & Son Bonding @ San Francisco
First Balikbayan Trip bonding with Big's Sister, QC
ME&YOU:JUST US 2 First Autumn @ Bethesda, Central Park
ME&YOU:JUST US 2 BIG💗BANG'S VALENTINE @ NOLA
ME&YOU:JUST US 2 in KYOTO, JAPAN
JACOB'S FIRST FLIGHT @ UPSTATE NEW YORK
First St. Patrick's Day Celebration in NYC
Big's 40th Birthday @ TAO Downtown, NYC
First Sakura Festival in Washington, DC
I never in my wildest imagination that I'll be going through this rough road AGAIN...
(no one's really too old or too young to encounter this but in my case, I thought I have reached my quota of "SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS"...nobody's spared)
I just thought that I'd be spared coz I was way too battered for a long time with all kinds of mishaps and unimaginable trying times but I'm trying to put some sense into it.... I still choose to believe that these things happen for a reason... that God has something in store for me and my boys... I just thought I'm done with the trying times and I'm just about to start to share the journey but I thought wrong... I'm choosing to look on the brighter side (silver lining), we're being prepared for greater blessings ahead...
This blog was supposed to be all about the testimonies of God's steadfast love... a channel where I can show and tell the world of His boundless mercy and forgiveness... wasn't really ready for the new season... I was too proud of not giving up and holding on to my faith that He always makes a way to make things beautiful in His time... I'm at the verge of questioning that at this moment... my apologies, Dear Lord... everything seems to be unclear but I know it'd all be worth it.
I made it through the storm and everything else (with a smile) - now, I'm in tears coz much as every waking hour was a blessing for me -a daily gift- for years now, I never thought I'd go back to the day that I dread each time I open my eyes... It's still a mystery and believe me when I say... I never knew I'd go through another endeavor of this magnitude and this time it came with more questions than answers, it pains me to the bones knowing that just when thought I was ready to share the VICTORY I've had, I'd be stunned with a drastically sudden turn of events... I can honestly say that I have nothing but gratitude in my heart for so many years despite my seemingly-unceasingly-undeniably unli-struggle condition (a fate that one would rather wish to die than give a try) but I could still confidently stand tall to let the world know that I've passed this test with flying colors... but now, I'm lost in the dark and unsure of the path I'm taking unsure of how to approach it, do I have to crawl? walk slowly? roll? fighting position? or just standing still or face the wall.... trying to my best to compose and convince myself that if I made it through before, I can get through with this one too... my head is literally spinning, my eyes are swollen (it feels like I have no more tears left to shed), but I want to let all these out of my system as I am at a loss and as confuse as this composition...
I don't know where to start, how to undo-redo or merely get this done and over with... just a few closest kinfolks know about the story behind my current struggle... my boys are also going through their own struggles and me (being "me" that if I can't help them get through I'd rather not be a burden so they can travel with no excess baggage) choosing to just throw it to the universe -wants to also be or even look strong for them as they were and as always for me...
I am in no position to question God's plan or the purpose of this new struggle, I choose to stay in faith that in His time, the boys and I will get pass through this once again and harvest the sweetest fruit as our incentive for not giving up... I want to remind myself of that CHOICE ever waking hour... things/events in the past and the ones that are yet unseen are always gonna be worth every pain. I want keep that faith... I would if I could... I offer to God all these, cast all our cares upon Him believing and holding onto His words that His steadfast love will unceasingly guide us through... and lead us to His way...
Heal me, Lord... my boys are my life... You know I love them next to You...
Seeing them go through all these quadruples the pain I'm going through....
Make me understand and accept your plan... if You could spare them, please do...
Help me help them too... (AKO NA LANG LORD, AKO NA LANG ULIT)
