Endless Love... TEST-imonials of God's Steadfast Love

I'm in dire need of an explanation right now or probably answers to the questions I asked the universe about...
Like: Am I too busy looking at the lies around me that I have forgotten my own truth...
I did some meditation a few days back (not so-long yet just since I last posted the continuation...
and refocused that reflection when the tragic truth slapped me on the face)....
Is it because I said I'd rather be hurt with a truth than be comforted with a lie that a tragic truth also had to hurt me BIGTIME?! (I forgot to tell the universe that I am still in the process of recuperating and still not that strong to face any kind of any trial -just yet- I know I'd be, but not this soon)

ME&YOU:JUST US 2 22nd ANNIVERSARY 
@ Another Wonder of the World MACHU PICCHU

I used to ask the universe of whatever good thing I've done (of course with gratitude and joy in my heart) to deserve all the blessings that came my way... for some reason, ironically, the same universe showed me that those blessings are tangible (I'm always aware of that-I was raised well-grounded), Everything is temporary (hence, I never attached myself to worldly treasures) and they cannot suffice the pain of the unseen trials that I faced and the ones that I'm just about to endure (I'm well-aware that those are incentives and aren't going last more than God's intangible blessings, like the happy moments I have with my boys, those are the long and lasting strength that comforts me when I'm weak)... Change is the only constant in this lifetime, I live by it... my parents prepared me & my siblings well enough for the worse, that's the only way they're rest assured that we can survive, surpass and surprise the world that we can go with flow... RESILIENT is our middle name...
Guess, I was so used to all the perks and privileges that I felt were the prize for hanging on too long despite the excruciating physical pain I endured through the years... much to my surprise, there's more to that physical pain and hurtful lies that meet the eye... I thought that chapter had just ended... didn't know it was a series... hence, my resilience was again tested... fortunately, as vulnerable as I was, I managed to deal with it once step at a time... it was never easy, believe when I say, as I get stronger, the challenges I face become meaner, tougher yet I find it humbling in some ways...

I've mentioned several times that I have more than 85K photos (un-posted in my FB account... but never had the chance to post coz of the lack of time? too many things to do? I always choose to live life and and enjoy what's left of it -in my case-) much to my heart's desire to show it,  I never really had the luxury of time to even arrange it...  I thought I'd be able to lessen that posting thing when I start this random rambling blogging but just by the mere thought of it tires me already (I couldn't find it in my heart to keep it to myself and not share coz they're so post-worthy, those photos are captured memories of our family's adventures, foodgasms, travel and whatnot's)

 Our First Christmas in NYC

 Wandering in one of the wonders of the world as BIGBANGTRILOGY

 Our First Christmas @ Jacob's Condo

 Our First OOTC (out of the country) Adventure as BIGBANGTRILOGY

BIGBANGTRILOGY: FIRST DISNEYWORLD ADVENTURE @ Florida, US

 ME&YOU:JUST US 2 @ HOLOCAUST MONUMENT, 
Boston, Massachusetts

 ME&YOU:JUST US 2 @ The Peak, Hong Kong

 Our one & only SONshine's First day in College

BIG💗BANG Growing old with you corner @ Jacob's Condo

 Bang with childhood friends @ the Memorial Sky Monument, NJ, US

 BIGBANGTRILOGY FIRST OOTC (out of the country) adventure @ Sydney, Australia

 Bang wandering at another wonder of the world 
@ TAJ MAHAL, India

BIG💗BANG @ Holiday Inn, Hongkong with Cheer Family

 First OOTT (out of town trip) with Jacob's new car

 Our Last New Year Celebration with family before we migrated to NYC

 Our First GRAND (both sides of the family) REUNION after we became NYC migrants

 First Christmas with our relatives in US

 BIGBANGTRILOGY Annual Team Building

 First Thanksgiving in NYC

 First Apple Picking in New York with Kinfolks

 First Family Reunion in CHICAGO, US (My Side)

 First OOS (out of State) long drive - Washington, DC

 First Christmas Eve @ Rockefeller as BIGBANGTRILOGY

 Central Park Autumn Photoshoot for Jacob's Portfolio as Freelance Professional Photographer

 First time @ Brooklyn Bridge as Tourists BIG💗BANG

 First Time in NJ as tourists @ my Relative's place

 First Balikbayan ME&YOU:JUST US 2 Tagaytay-Date a

 First Time NY Upstate as BIG💗BANG

 Father & Son Bonding after the Proposal 214 as Balikbayans

Mom & Son Tourist Mode in Sydney, Australia

 First Autumn as NYC Migrants @ Central Park

 Nanay's First NYC visit  - Upstate @ Montauk with BIGBANGTRILOGY

 First ME&YOU:JUST US 2 Balikbayan trip @ Cheers Family's (weddings & birthday)

 Jacob's First car in NYC @ Manhattan

 Winter OOST (out of State Trip) BIG💗BANG @ Washington,DC

 Mom & Son Bonding @ San Francisco

 First Balikbayan Trip bonding with Big's Sister, QC

ME&YOU:JUST US 2  First Autumn @ Bethesda, Central Park

ME&YOU:JUST US 2  BIG💗BANG'S VALENTINE @ NOLA

 ME&YOU:JUST US 2 in KYOTO, JAPAN

JACOB'S FIRST FLIGHT @ UPSTATE NEW YORK

 First St. Patrick's Day Celebration in NYC

 Big's 40th Birthday @ TAO Downtown, NYC

First Sakura Festival in Washington, DC

I never in my wildest imagination that I'll be going through this rough road AGAIN... 

(no one's really too old or too young to encounter this but in my case, I thought I have reached my quota of "SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS"...nobody's spared)  
I just thought that I'd be spared coz I was way too battered for a long time with all kinds of mishaps and unimaginable trying times but I'm trying to put some sense into it.... I still choose to believe that these things happen for a reason... that God has something in store for me and my boys... I just thought I'm done with the trying times and I'm just about to start to share the journey but I thought wrong... I'm choosing to look on the brighter side (silver lining), we're being prepared for greater blessings ahead...

This blog was supposed to be all about the testimonies of God's steadfast love... a channel where I can show and tell the world of His boundless mercy and forgiveness... wasn't really ready for the new season... I was too proud of not giving up and holding on to my faith that He always makes a way to make things beautiful in His time... I'm at the verge of questioning that at this moment... my apologies, Dear Lord... everything seems to be unclear but I know it'd all be worth it.

I made it through the storm and everything else (with a smile) - now, I'm in tears coz much as every waking hour was a blessing for me -a daily gift- for years now, I never thought I'd go back to the day that I dread each time I open my eyes... It's still a mystery and believe me when I say... I never knew I'd go through another endeavor of this magnitude and this time it came with more questions than answers, it pains me to the bones knowing that just when thought I was ready to share the VICTORY I've had, I'd be stunned with a drastically sudden turn of events... I can honestly say that I have nothing but gratitude in my heart for so many years despite my seemingly-unceasingly-undeniably unli-struggle condition (a fate that one would rather wish to die than give a try) but I could still confidently stand tall to let the world know that I've passed this test with flying colors... but now, I'm lost in the dark and unsure of the path I'm taking unsure of how to approach it, do I have to crawl? walk slowly? roll? fighting position? or just standing still or face the wall.... trying to my best to compose and convince myself that if I made it through before, I can get through with this one too... my head is literally spinning, my eyes are swollen (it feels like I have no more tears left to shed), but I want to let all these out of my system as I am at a loss and as confuse as this composition...

I don't know where to start, how to undo-redo or merely get this done and over with... just a few closest kinfolks know about the story behind my current struggle... my boys are also going through their own struggles and me (being "me" that if I can't help them get through I'd rather not be a burden so they can travel with no excess baggage) choosing to just throw it to the universe -wants to also be or even look strong for them as they were and as always for me...

I am in no position to question God's plan or the purpose of this new struggle, I choose to stay in faith that in His time, the boys and I will get pass through this once again and harvest the sweetest fruit as our incentive for not giving up... I want to remind myself of that CHOICE ever waking hour... things/events in the past and the ones that are yet unseen are always gonna be worth every pain. I want keep that faith... I would if I could... I offer to God all these, cast all our cares upon Him believing and holding onto His words that His steadfast love will unceasingly guide us through... and lead us to His way...

🎵Lord You seem so far away. A million miles or more it feels today
And though I haven't lost my faith, I must confess right now that its hard for me to pray
But I dont know what to say and I dont know where to start
But as you give the grace with all thats in my heart...
I will praise even in my darkest time through the sorrow and the pain
I will sing, I will praise
Lift my hands to honor You because Your word is true. I will sing
Lord it's hard for me to see all the thoughts and plans You have for me
But I will put my trust in You, Lord will meet Your guide to set me free
But I don't know what to say and I dont know where to start...
But as you give the grace with all thats in my heart
I will praise even in my darkest time through the sorrow and the pain
I will sing, I will praise
Lift my hands to honor You because Your word is true
I will sing... I will praise even in my darkest time through the sorrow and the pain...
Lift my hands to honor You because Your word is true
I will sing, I will sing, I will sing🎵


Heal me, Lord... my boys are my life... You know I love them next to You...
Seeing them go through all these quadruples the pain I'm going through....
Make me understand and accept your plan... if You could spare them, please do...
Help me help them too... (AKO NA LANG LORD, AKO NA LANG ULIT)

...continuation

I've been used to quoting "LIARS GO TO HELL, SEE YOU THERE", "A HALF TRUTH IS A WHOLE LIE"... blah blah... growing up I've been complimenting people to make them comfortable (but that doesn't technically mean that I've been lying all my life...) During my childhood days, a wooden poster (how do you call it again? plaque? or whatnot-- that says "WHEN I DO GOOD NO ONE REMEMBERS, BUT WHEN I DO BAD THINGS NO ONE FORGETS".... hence, I was stuck on the thought of pleasing people constantly... It was just later in life that I learned (or maybe I just got tired) that you can never please everyone... telling them pleasant things make them think yu need something from them that's why you're doing so.... I'm a gullible person especially when I'm being praised haha (I claim it...like I don't see myself in the mirror) It's not the part of me being narcissistic or the likes but it's my way of pleasing the people who were trying to make me feel better that I make it a point to let them feel that I believe whatevs they say... coz I know the TRUTH... until...

One day I was confronted with a reality that there is really a person who honestly believe that "LYING TO MAKE SOMEONE FEEL BETTER IS A-OK" f*ck... there is a such?!?! OMG!!! I thought it was just a make believe thingy... but she honestly believe that it's ok coz I'm being lied to just to make me feel better?!?! I'm gullible but I'm not stupid... that thing honestly made me feel that I've been living a big f*cking lie all my life (or just from the time she became part of my son's life... and my son f*cking told me in my FACE THAT HE IS HAPPY WITH HER...) what?!?!?!? say what!?!?!?! again!?!?!? I couldn't believe it myself... that I brought up a fine young man just to say that he's happy with a girl who f*cking believe that lying to me to make me feel better is LOVE... I couldn't process that thought... up to this very moment... being lied to hurts... but being lied to ON PURPOSE hurts even more... it's like living in hell... and being that my son's happiness is the essence of my existence, made me feel that my life has no meaning anymore... hence, I found myself finding a new place to vent all these TRUTHFUL LIES... to help myself get back the broken pieces (of ME)... I'm still in the process of analyzing that creature whom my son loves so very much that he's ready to throw everything away because SHE MAKES HIM HAPPY... for me HONESTY now is truly the hardest thing to believe in if the only person I've been fighting my life for is pleasing me with the a lie all these time (or from the moment he met the girl who apparently makes him happy)... I questioned my motherhood, I questioned everything I did... tell me where did I go wrong? What did I do to deserve this? the whole thing made me feel like it's MY FAULT... I don't give up easily... I was diagnosed and was told that I'd only live (luckily) up to the age of 35... I just turned 40... I defied science... I was so determined to live because I don't want to leave my son... only to learn that I raised a man who's happier to live with a girl who literally choose a comforting lie than deal with a hurtful TRUTH.... I dealt with reality, I even defied it... I made it through... now, I'm torn... between giving up or moving on without comforting liars... so help me God... I for give easily (I may not be able to trust again fully but I do give trillion chances to those who deserve it... but this time, I'm dealing with a reality where honesty is not existing... I don't know where to start or do I even have to start all over again? or do I even have to... there is an easy way out but I'm not that kind of creature.... I'm not a quitter nor a quite quiet one when faced with LIES... I am a warrior of TRUTH BE TOLD...)

https://youtu.be/7R3GtAnO66o

I was so devastated... just the thought of it brings me to hell... coz I was raised with a difficult TRUTH... It was a struggle but at least it was REAL... I faced reality all my life... it brought me a lot of questions... but I survived... Now... I don't know anymore... all I want is to leave... if I want to live... than be lied at for the rest of my remaining days... by the person I love the most... FORGIVENESS... that's as easy as 1,2,3 or A,B,C... but trust is another story... tell me how do I trust people who inscribed it their minds and hearts that lying is LOVE... if that is so, who can I love a liar? I want to but I don't know where to start... SORRY is far much comforting than hearing a justification that you are being lied to because YOU ARE SO LOVED BY THE ONE WHO LIED TO YOU FOR I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG... I couldn't even lie to myself that I still believe a word he says the moment I heard that I was being I lied to because he loves me that much he doesn't want to hurt me... why can't they just stop doing what hurts me then that way they don't have to lie... I confronted that REALITY.... and they're not even sorry for doing so "BECAUSE THEY LOVE ME?!?!?!?"...

I miss ME...

This is my comeback blog... the last I guess was 2012 or 2013?! (I wish I could remember the password so I can get to just continue the old one, but I take this as a sign that I have to get a new one and let the past stay where it belongs)...

I remember creating one when we moved here in New York City... New home, new life, new blog...
For some reason that new stuff was gone with the wind (thanks to my very reliable memory 😜)...
When my husband got me this laptop, it just became FISHING device, kind of a bigger iPhone...

I got a letter from my 21-year-old-son... and it dawned on me that, I have given so much of me that I kind of messed uhm missed me... I have a lot of things that I still want to do but my body has got its own mind and just commands the whole of me to be in bed.... exhausted by just staying alive (in pain)... I thought I'd be able to make it by doing the "mind over matter"-thing... Faith says "GO!" but Science says "NO!"...

I can't even put my thoughts into words coz there's too much of them that I don't where to start... much as I want to discuss my illnesses (to begin with plus the meds I'm taking for years now) I feel like it has taken so much of life already and writing it tires me and brings it all back to me... I want to start with that so just for my readers to know where I'm coming from... but I believe that,  it can be possible to understand my pain without me going through every detail of how it all started... just want to start by how I feel now... still pain... with hurt... but too much that I was able to grab this almost 5 year-old laptop... to tell you my story or just my thoughts...

I'm holding on to life right now because I'm scared of the unknown... I'm not that brave without my knight in shining armor (my husband)... I'm like a lost kid without him... now, that he's physically here, I had the courage to (try) to start again... and here it goes, pain just calls me back to just lay back to bed...

to be continued...