...continuation

I've been used to quoting "LIARS GO TO HELL, SEE YOU THERE", "A HALF TRUTH IS A WHOLE LIE"... blah blah... growing up I've been complimenting people to make them comfortable (but that doesn't technically mean that I've been lying all my life...) During my childhood days, a wooden poster (how do you call it again? plaque? or whatnot-- that says "WHEN I DO GOOD NO ONE REMEMBERS, BUT WHEN I DO BAD THINGS NO ONE FORGETS".... hence, I was stuck on the thought of pleasing people constantly... It was just later in life that I learned (or maybe I just got tired) that you can never please everyone... telling them pleasant things make them think yu need something from them that's why you're doing so.... I'm a gullible person especially when I'm being praised haha (I claim it...like I don't see myself in the mirror) It's not the part of me being narcissistic or the likes but it's my way of pleasing the people who were trying to make me feel better that I make it a point to let them feel that I believe whatevs they say... coz I know the TRUTH... until...

One day I was confronted with a reality that there is really a person who honestly believe that "LYING TO MAKE SOMEONE FEEL BETTER IS A-OK" f*ck... there is a such?!?! OMG!!! I thought it was just a make believe thingy... but she honestly believe that it's ok coz I'm being lied to just to make me feel better?!?! I'm gullible but I'm not stupid... that thing honestly made me feel that I've been living a big f*cking lie all my life (or just from the time she became part of my son's life... and my son f*cking told me in my FACE THAT HE IS HAPPY WITH HER...) what?!?!?!? say what!?!?!?! again!?!?!? I couldn't believe it myself... that I brought up a fine young man just to say that he's happy with a girl who f*cking believe that lying to me to make me feel better is LOVE... I couldn't process that thought... up to this very moment... being lied to hurts... but being lied to ON PURPOSE hurts even more... it's like living in hell... and being that my son's happiness is the essence of my existence, made me feel that my life has no meaning anymore... hence, I found myself finding a new place to vent all these TRUTHFUL LIES... to help myself get back the broken pieces (of ME)... I'm still in the process of analyzing that creature whom my son loves so very much that he's ready to throw everything away because SHE MAKES HIM HAPPY... for me HONESTY now is truly the hardest thing to believe in if the only person I've been fighting my life for is pleasing me with the a lie all these time (or from the moment he met the girl who apparently makes him happy)... I questioned my motherhood, I questioned everything I did... tell me where did I go wrong? What did I do to deserve this? the whole thing made me feel like it's MY FAULT... I don't give up easily... I was diagnosed and was told that I'd only live (luckily) up to the age of 35... I just turned 40... I defied science... I was so determined to live because I don't want to leave my son... only to learn that I raised a man who's happier to live with a girl who literally choose a comforting lie than deal with a hurtful TRUTH.... I dealt with reality, I even defied it... I made it through... now, I'm torn... between giving up or moving on without comforting liars... so help me God... I for give easily (I may not be able to trust again fully but I do give trillion chances to those who deserve it... but this time, I'm dealing with a reality where honesty is not existing... I don't know where to start or do I even have to start all over again? or do I even have to... there is an easy way out but I'm not that kind of creature.... I'm not a quitter nor a quite quiet one when faced with LIES... I am a warrior of TRUTH BE TOLD...)

https://youtu.be/7R3GtAnO66o

I was so devastated... just the thought of it brings me to hell... coz I was raised with a difficult TRUTH... It was a struggle but at least it was REAL... I faced reality all my life... it brought me a lot of questions... but I survived... Now... I don't know anymore... all I want is to leave... if I want to live... than be lied at for the rest of my remaining days... by the person I love the most... FORGIVENESS... that's as easy as 1,2,3 or A,B,C... but trust is another story... tell me how do I trust people who inscribed it their minds and hearts that lying is LOVE... if that is so, who can I love a liar? I want to but I don't know where to start... SORRY is far much comforting than hearing a justification that you are being lied to because YOU ARE SO LOVED BY THE ONE WHO LIED TO YOU FOR I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG... I couldn't even lie to myself that I still believe a word he says the moment I heard that I was being I lied to because he loves me that much he doesn't want to hurt me... why can't they just stop doing what hurts me then that way they don't have to lie... I confronted that REALITY.... and they're not even sorry for doing so "BECAUSE THEY LOVE ME?!?!?!?"...