TRUTH or "FALLS" (I like 'em both)...

The past few months were tough... I was half-half...
Technically, I was more dead than alive... God got me back to LIFE...

I often find myself doing and feeling nothing... Ironically, my mind/thoughts are overwhelmingly filled with so many things... couldn't find my balance... Twas not really mind boggling but I was at a loss for words... I've got a lot of stories to tell, actually too much, that I don't know where to start so I always end up not writing or saying anything at all... there was pain all over my body but my disposition was numb, floating and just too occupied to give attention to it... is this what they call "MIDLIFE CRISIS"? I was not in denial, my mind was just too absent to care... I wanted to pay attention but where do I start? how? when? so I was basically doing things like a puppet... feeling nothing (figuratively?)... that feeling when you are just too happy or too sad but it was too overwhelming to recognize which is which...

I made it a point to have myself isolated from everyone, everything up until I get back to who I used to be... and even that, confuses me... who am I? who was I? who do I want to be? how do I feel? what really matters to me? or who? I just don't know... I was and I guess still in a limbo right now... I couldn't figure it out... God never left my side (maybe He was the one who made my "self-solitary-confinement" possible)... The boys have always been so supportive... their support gave me freedom, peace of mind... they've always made me feel loved and cared for (even that was in thin air)... They bring me to places (places I've never been to) but it's like there but my mind was somewhere else... don't get me wrong, I was always having the time of my life "DURING" our FUNmily bonding/travels & activities but then again after when my physical body gets tired, my brain recognizes the exhaustion & pain but my soul couldn't figure out how or what it feels...

my current TRUTH was too complicated that I feel this way... I am way too blessed to complain (and what's even there to complain about anyway?!) but I was way too stubborn to recognize anything AT ALL (it's just so not me... I always have time even to tell my story up to the minute detail of my life that others already find me so annoying...) oh, for the first time in forever, I also had no idea who I was referring to when I say "OTHERS"... coz even myself became others (to me)... I know I'm not losing my mind coz I always get things done (just had no idea how I did it or how I felt about it...) I even got commended for the job well done... but the recognition/s that I have always been longing for also became something that I couldn't pay attention to... this JUST isn't me (for some reason)...

Anti-SOCIAL became a religious practice for months now... knowingly & unknowingly bothersome?!? but there's a piece of heaven in that part... Limbo is but my world yet peace has brought me to this stage when I say it best by saying nothing at all...

(unfinished thoughts)

Two-two infinity & beyond....

I may be a lot of things but in this lifetime or probably in my past life... there's one thing I will surely choose and never regret choosing over and over: BEING "SUPERMAN'S" MOM...

OUR ONE & ONLY SONshine

The only kid I know who never asked for anything (even during his birthday/Christmas/etc)...
He is a living testimony that God gives us what we deserve... My son always receives abundant blessings, amazing graces, impossible dreams came true that when he prays he skips the part of asking for anything coz all he's got to say to God is THANK YOU and HE IS FOREVER GRATEFUL... Every year, whenever his birthday gets near or Christmas (He writes to Santa to say "You are so kind and I wish to be like you...") hence, his dad and I dread each year when gift-giving seasons come near coz we literally have lots of decoding or deciphering  to do just to figure out what our son wants (something tangible)... Believe me when I say that I gave birth to a beautiful soul who never really asked for anything that money can buy... He always dreamt of being SUPERMAN but growing he realized that it's not "TECHNICALLY" possible, he just took the next best thing... He made way for his childhood dream to come true: TO FLY... He did it and always tell people this: Growing up I always wanted to be Superman but that's not possible, so I settled for the next best thing; to become a PILOT...

At the moment: He already holds 3 licenses to fly... He made his imagination come to reality... He flew us to the skies and would soon fly us to the moon (who knows?!?)... Whenever I look at his photo or see him or even imagine his existence, I feel so accomplished, fulfilled... he makes me ask God of what I have possibly done to deserve a son like him... A son every mom would dream of or even think of having... for that I am forever grateful and secured that once in my life: I made something GREAT, something so good to have a SONshine like him...

I could go on and on telling the world of my greatest achievement, but believe me when I say describing him will surely take a lifetime or to infinity and beyond to finish... He never failed to amaze us... amuse us... I am indeed so BLESSED! I may have just ONE KID but he is a total package and I couldn't even imagine asking for more... don't get me wrong, I am not talking about JESUS... I am describing my son... he makes mistakes, he surely does, but of all the good things he had done only makes me so cruel to even think of it as a mistake... he lies (to comfort me) whenever he gets heart-broken and I get to see or feel it: He's the first to shed a tear for me coz hurting me or his dad or anyone at that is the last thing on his mind... He resolves his problems (may it be school-wise or real life issues) even before I get to know it... He runs to God when he feels bad... He says things that would make us feel that his mistakes are not and will never be our fault to begin with... He's IQ & EQ are well-balanced that people couldn't fathom how we were able to raise him up to be the man he had become... he senses whenever something is wrong yet never asked but absolutely always ready catch us in case we fall... he never wasted time: whether his or ours coz for him every second counts, he makes sure it does... 

KUNG GANYAN ANG ANAK MO, MAGAGAWA MO PA BANG TUMANGGI OR MAGDALAWANG ISIP IBIGAY ANG KAHIT ANO? (Having him as our son make us prepare for just about anything he "might" ask for because giving him anything tangible can never equate to the gift of his existence after all)... Money-wise he already has foreseen most if not all the possibilities/worse scenarios/plansABC, us getting old will never be a problem coz as he always says "I WAS BORN READY"... He had prepared and took on the inevitable truth that every beginning has an ending so he must be tough (come what may)... Being an only child taught him that he's got the whole world in his hand (and God as his guide, he'll never be alone)... he cheers us up during trying times, his faith in God never faltered, he holds on to God's promises of His steadfast love and mercy that never ceases... when I "flat-lined" the first voice I heard was his "MOM, I NEVER ASKED FOR ANYTHING BUT THIS TIME I'M DOWN ON BENDED KNEES, JUST BREATHE, LIVE, WAKE UP FOR ME, DON'T LEAVE ME JUST YET..." It was like a moment when God said, "YOUR SON ISN'T READY TO LOSE YOU!"... God obviously answered his prayer... coz I am still here to share with you all these... in real flesh and blood... GANUN SYA, MINSAN LANG HIHILING PERO KAHIT SI GOD DI MAKATANGGI... and people hurting me by any means gives him the absolute right to ISOLATE me from anyone or anything that would cause his most loved, ever cherished, precious treasure (ehem) any harm... He transforms from young kid to INCREDIBLE HULK... His Dad and my existence will always be on top of his utmost concern...  (teary-eyed)...

HAPPY 22ND BIRTHDAY, MY PRECIOUS!

 

HAPPY 22ND FAMILYNIVERSARY TO US!

BIGBANGTRILOGY

LIVING AND LOVING LIFE AND BEING GRATEFUL FOR THIS BEAUTIFUL LIFE IS ALL BECAUSE OF YOU!

Translation of my previous post : God will make a way, in His time

I literally live by the lyrics of the songs that I linked to the songs I was playing while writing that...

The warrior is a child

(I don't want to look at my struggles as problems... they are the reality where all the weapons and trainings God taught me through the years... just battles in disguise that I have to win...)

VISITING MY COUSINS AT WORK

Lately I've been winning battles left and right but even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing... strong beyond my years but they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears
They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while 'cause deep inside this armor the warrior is a child
Unafraid because His armor is the best but even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing, I never face retreat but they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet...
They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and look up for a smile because deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor... Deep inside this armor
The Warrior is a Child

Take me out of the dark...

(at the moment, I'm going through a dark phase but I am trying my best to walk by faith... Asking God to let me let go of it and just let Him be... coz I am really tired physically, emotionally, financially... but for some reason, I am happy coz I am spiritually blessed by God, I can't make it through without Him)

PRACTICING MY LOOKS ("just" IN CASE, HEHE)

Just what is it in me? Sometimes I just don't know what keeps me in Your love, why you never let me go and though you're in me now, I fall and hurt you still. My Lord, please show me how to know just how you feel, You have forgiven me too many times it seems I feel I'm not what you might call a worthy Christian after all and though I love You so temptation finds it's way to me... Teach me to trust in You with all my heart to lean not on my own understanding I just forget, You won't give me what I can't bear...
Take me out of the dark, my Lord
I don't wanna be there, You've never left my side
You gave Your hand to me to hold, Oh Jesus, I'm no longer in the cold
And yet, I leave You there when I feel satisfied. I'd like to thank You every day not only when I feel that way...I've never known a Man who'd give His life for sinners like me
And yet, because He loves us so, He's promised us eternity and we can have that promise
And be His if we have faith and just believe
Teach us to trust in You with all my heart to lean not on my own understanding
We just forget, You won't give us what we can't bear
Take us out of the dark, My Lord 'cause we don't want to be alone
Take me out of the dark, My Lord, we don't wanna be there, My Lord
Trust in You with all my heart lean not on my own understanding
I just forget You won't give me what I can't bear
Take me out of the dark, My Lord cause we don't want to be alone
Take me out of the dark, My Lord, I don't want to be there  

I see You, Lord

(There will always be a silver lining, it's a choice...  can close my eyes and cry but I choose to open mine and see Lord God in moments like these... It's truly humbling to stay in faith not knowing how, why, when will it end... coz it is during these trying times when God is so present in my life, holding my hand and walking with me, I feel so blessed and honored that I am with the Lord)

CHOOSING TO HAVE FUN AMIDST TRYING TIMES WILL NEVER BE IMPOSSIBLE

WHEN TIMES ARE TOUGH, TAKING A BREAK IS LIKE RECHARGING A LOW BATTERY UNTIL IT'S FULL TO LET YOU LAST LONG ENOUGH

                 MY BESTFRIEND'S BESTFRIEND                   (MY HUSBAND'S FIRST LOVE)

I'm so blessed my Lord, I can see You in all the lovely things so fine and true
I see you in the beauty of the flowers and the rain, I see you between the lines of a sweet refrain
I'm so blessed my Lord, I can see you even when I'm lonely and in pain
I see you in the beauty of the stars at night, I see you in my life, I feel alright
I see you Lord in sorrow and in happiness, I see you in the glory of sweet success
I see you Lord, every hour, everyday, I can see you Lord whenever I pray
I'm so blessed my Lord, I can see you in the smile of a baby sweet and true
I can see you in the eyes of my very best friends, I see you in these bonds just like your love that never ends
I see you Lord in sorrow and in happiness, I see you in the glory of sweet success
I see you Lord, every hour, everyday, I can see you Lord whenever I pray
I see you Lord in sorrow and in happiness, I see you in the glory of sweet success
I see you Lord every hour, everyday, I can see you Lord whenever I pray
I pray... I can see you Lord whenever I pray... I see you Lord... 

God will make a way

(He always does, I know He is in our midst as we travel this journey we all call "LIFE"... being human makes you vulnerable, lose hope and give up coz that's the easiest way but keeping the faith that this too shall pass and the Lord is with us make me really courageous despite the having a battered body, mind and soul... again IT'S A CHOICE: I always choose to travel lightly (no grudge) with a smile.

HAPPINESS IS A CHOICE

WITH BIG'S FIRST LOVE

MY ONE BIG LOVE

God will make a way where there seems to be no way, He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me, He will be my guide hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day... He will make a way... He will make a way
Oh, God will make a way where there seems to be no way, He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me, He will be my guide hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day... He will make a way, He will make a way
By a roadway in the wilderness, He'll lead me rivers in the desert will I see
Heaven and earth will fade but His Word will still remain and He will do something new today

Oh, God will make a way, where there seems to be no way, He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me, He will be my guide hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day, He will make a way... He will make a way
By a roadway in the wilderness, He'll lead me rivers in the desert will I see
Heaven and earth will fade but His Word will still remain and He will do something new today
Oh, God will make a way where there seems to be no way, He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me, He will be my guide, hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day He will make a way... He will make a way

Lead me, Lord

(that's my plea coz when I travel with the Lord as my GPS, I am absolutely safe and sure that no matter how rough the road is I have a reliable and fun to be with travel buddy)

IF ZOLTAR CAN A GLIMPSE OF THE FUTURE (though it's just for FUN) 

THEN, WHY CAN'T GOD? HIS WORDS ARE NOT FOR FUN... 

HIS WORD IT'S TRUE AND ABSOLUTE 

(IT BRINGS JOY & PEACE OF MIND)

Lead me Lord, lead me by the hand and help me face the rising sun comfort me through all the pain that life may bring there's no other hope that I can lean upon, lead me Lord, lead me all my life... Walk by me, walk by me across the lonely roads that I may face take my arms and let your hand show me the way, show the way to live inside your heart... All my days, all my life... You are my light... You're the lamp upon my feet all the time my Lord I need You there... You are my light, I cannot live alone, let me stay by Your guiding love all through my life

Lead me Lord... Lead me Lord, even though at times I'd rather go along my way hear me take the right direction take Your road lead me Lord and never leave my side... all my days, all my life       You are my light, You're the lamp upon my feet, all the time my Lord I need You there                   You are my light, I cannot live alone, let me stay by Your guiding love all through my lifeYou are my light, You're the lamp upon my feet, all the time my Lord I need You there (You are my light) (I just cannot live alone) Let me stay by Your guiding love, all through my life, all through my days so Lead me Oh Lord... Lead me Lord

In His time

(That... I'm certain and confident that everything will be beautiful again... I just have to be patient and faithful to God coz He's the only one I know who never breaks His promises...  His steadfast love never ceases... He never fails to supply us with free air and love nature...)

A GLIMPSE OF OUR SILVER LINING...

NO OTHER WOMEN (IN BIG'S LIFE) CAN LOVE HIM UNCONDITIONALLY LIKE WE DO...

#NAKI-RIDE ON LANG (PERO CHUGUG NA CHUGUG)

In his time, in his time... He makes all things beautiful... In his time
Lord please show me everyday as you're teaching me your way that you do just what you say
In your time, in your time, in your time... You make all things beautiful in your time...

Lord my life to you I bring may each song I have to sing be to you a lovely thing in your time... 

Lord please show me everyday as you teaching me your way
That you do just what you say, in your time, in Your time (in Your time), in Your time (in Your time Lord) You make all things beautiful in your time... Lord my life to you I bring may each song I have to sing be to you a lovely thing... In your time be to you a lovely thing in your time

THE MORE DIFFICULT THE GAME IS THE HIGHER YOUR PRIZE YOU BECOME ENTITLED TO...

with all these in my heart, tell me, 

WHY WILL I GIVE UP? I have a promise to claim...

God will make a way... In His time...

Easy comes, easy goes...

I used to live a simple life... Twas so simple that it made me feel like my life is "kind of boring?!"... I prayed to God so I may have a purpose in life, a chance to tell the world of His love... then MY LIFE STATUS SUDDENLY TURNED UPSIDE DOWN... Uh-oh... I wasn’t aware that I have to be specific in praying coz what came into me (as God's answer) was something no one will be ever ready to face... it was always life-changing event but I tried to cope little by little every day in every way (I can)... Only then have I realized how my parents prayed and why they told us to communicate not just kneel down say memorized prayers so...

from that moment (high school) when I pray or lemme say when I talk to God, I always start with "Lord, kwentuhan lang 'to ah - my parents taught us how start a conversation with God by using these formats:

 1. ACTS
Adoration: Good morning, afternoon, evening or "Hi Lord, musta? I give you glory and honor, praise and thanks for giving me another waking hour, You make my life so worth living" yada-yada-yada

Contrition: I just wanna say sorry for every wrong doing I've done (intentionally or unintentionally)-more often done not, this part of my prayer releases/raises/reasoning out: in short, nandadamay ako ng ibang character para i-justify ang pagkakamali ko.... nagsosorry na rin ako sa pagdamay ko sa kanila kasi alam kong mali yung ginawa/ginagawa o balak gawin pero pikit mata ko pa ring ginamit yung "kasi Lord ganto yun eh....blah blah blah pero sorry pa rin kasi naging mahina ako at ginawa ko pa silang dahilan at gasgas na linyang: "Sensya na tao lang Lord, nagpadala sa emosyon" sabay bulong sa kunsensya na "WAG KA NG LUMUSOT ANG MALI KAHIT IKAW OR MARAMI KAYONG GUMAWA MALI PA RIN-KASI LAGI KANG MAY CHOICES PERO PINILI MO YUNG HINDI GUSTO NG PANGINOON: DI MO PWEDENG SABIHING MARAMI NAMANG GUMAGAWA NUN EH-KASI NGA ANG MALI #MALI PA RIN KAHIT INISIP MO PA LANG AT DI MO TINULOY-DI MAGIGING TAMA KAHIT LAHAT NG KAPWA TAO MO GINAWA O GINAGAWA YUN- DUN PUMAPASOK ANG PHILOSOPHY/LOGIC NA NIREREMIND KA NAMAN AGAD NG KUSENSYA MO PERO DI KA NAKINIG", to be worthy of Your time, I lift up all my shortcomings and all the things that may have disappointed You in any way. #TAO LANG PO LORD ay sorry po ulit, di nga pala excuse yun...

Thanksgiving:
Now that You have forgiven me? Oh diba, nagsorry nga 'ko (demanding naman)... I'm worthy to stand in Your Divine presence, Lord God, I want to first and foremost thank You for giving me another day, another chance... thank You for Your unli-forgiveness, thank You for this beautiful day, another chance to be a channel of your steadfast love & forgiveness...

Supplication:
Though You already know what's in our heart's & minds, we still want to make sure we let you know our plea... May you Lead us to Your path, guide us to your way, may we live according to Your will no matter how difficult it is... We will never able to be as forgiving and as understanding as You are, not even close, but through Your Divine intervention, we know we can try. Make us worthy of the life You've lent us here while in flesh and blood to be able to get back home to You...

2. CATS (same prayer but in a different approach)

You don’t have to know how, as long as you know Who. The Creator of the universe will break chains that have held you back, bring dreams to pass that seem impossible.

You've been unceasingly sending messages through other people to let us keep the Faith amidst the trying times that You're working Your way to help us get through. Messages of Your steadfast love despite the hurt & pain that we endure... here are some of the messages that we've realized You've sent us to keep us holding on to Your promises...
Sometimes there is no logical reason. This is what faith is all about. You don’t have to figure it out. It’s okay not to know. When we stay in faith even when we don’t have the answers, when we believe though every thought says there’s no way, You always show out in our lives. You’ll cause us to defy the odds and go places we couldn’t go on our own.

BOTH ACTS & CATS ARE PATTERNED AFTER 

"THE LORD'S PRAYER (just in case you didn't notice)

People may have tried to push us down, but You're going to lift us up. They are powerless to stop Your blessing.

Sometimes we think it’s a lack of faith to say, “I don’t know.” We think we have to have all the answers, have it all figured out. You want us to take the pressure off. We don’t have to know coz You know. You have us in the palm of Your hand. You don’t give us all the details. One reason You don't show us is because You know we would talk ourselves out of it. We don't have to be comfortable not knowing. 

A key to faith is trusting You when we don’t understand, trusting when we don’t have the answers, trusting when it seems like it’s just the opposite of what we were hoping.

You allow us to keep running our race, not looking to the left or to the right. Don’t be bothered by who’s not for us, who’s not cheering us on, and who’s not celebrating us. We can never please everyone. Nobody that has ever done anything great in life has done it without fear. We may feel fear, but we have to do it afraid. Because You knew there would be times that we wouldn’t have the faith we need to reach our destiny. But You said, “If you’ll just have a little bit of faith, that’s all you need. Then, I’ll do My part. I’ll exceed your expectations.”

We just have to trust you COMPLETELY when we don’t understand, be comfortable not knowing. The scripture says, “Lean not to your own understanding.” 

You may have some things we don’t understand, we don’t see the answer. Were not get discouraged coz we trust that You are working behind the scenes. Nothing we do will make us any more valuable. Nothing we achieve, nothing we overcome. We are already valuable for You right now and as always. The dreams You put in our hearts and the promises You've spoken to us are not going to come to pass without opposition, delays, people trying to talk us out of it. If we’re going to reach our destiny, we have to have a made-up mind. When you say, “God, I don’t know how this is going to work out, but I’m not going to worry. God, I trust You.” You will make things happen that we couldn’t make happen. It may not be easy, but our destiny is calling. You gave us the greatness we have now. You've always calm our fears. We won’t let people talk us out of Your plans for us, you don’t let circumstances convince us that we can’t.

It’s very freeing when you learn this principle: there are some things we’re not supposed to know. That’s not a lack of faith, it’s just the opposite. You’re taking yourself off the throne and putting God on the throne.

You may think you’re surrounded by the enemy, but the truth is the enemy is surrounded by our God. God is bigger than your opposition, greater than your sickness, more powerful than your enemies.

In the vastness of the ocean, the only SUN, and the sand humble us down that we are just grains on the shore but You never let feel that way, You make us feel Your presence in our lives, You make us significant.  You even sent your only begotten SON to save us... that how we mean to You... kaya nakakahiyang magdasal/kwentuhan lang with You di pa namin magawa...

Thank You Lord for reminding us that 

we're never alone in this journey called LIFE

Are you frustrated over what you don’t know, by what you can’t figure out?  Have a new perspective. It’s okay not to have the answers.

Don't live worried and upset.  Be still and know that He is God. You don’t have to be God. You don’t have to figure it out. You don’t have to come up with the solution. God is on the throne.

God has the right people lined up. He knows how to put you in the right place. He’s going to make things happen that you never imagined. He’s the God who exceeds expectations. It’s our time to be free; it’s our time to break bondages. It’s our time to step into new levels. Stay inspired throughout the week. 

LEAD ME LORD

I can disappear in this world and no one will notice 

but YOU ALWAYS MAKE ME FEEL SIGNIFICANT

You're about to do a new thing. We’re asking for the possible, but You are about to do the impossible. We’re believing for the ordinary; You're going to do the extraordinary. He’s going to take you where you’ve never been. You want to make us an example of Your goodness. When You exceed our expectations, people are going to take notice. They’re going to see the favor on our life. We’re going to experience a new level of respect, a new level of influence.

We look at things logically, but God is a supernatural God. You specialize in exceeding our expectations. What You've planned for us is bigger, more rewarding, more fulfilling than we’ve dreamed. This is going to be a year where You will exceed our expectations. You're not just going to do what we’re asking, You’re going to exceed it!

May Your will be done to us, Lord God... We believe that you will make this beautiful AGAIN... In Your time... 
All glory and praise to You!

UNIVERSE IT IS (read: UNIVERSITIES)...

UNIVERSE IT IS VS. UNIVERSITIES

Literally, UNIVERSITIES are schools where we learn facts of life (your campus, your course, your choice, your call)...
How well you did and how much you've learned will be transcribed as grades and you have tangible proof...
 if you outdo everyone in your class, batch, block, yada yada yada will always have certain recognition/s...
midterms and finals are proofs of your acquired capacity "intelligence"--- IQ > EQ

but

in reality, UNIVERSE IT IS that determines your performance and application of the knowledge you gain in books, researches, thesis...
How well you treat others determines if your knowledge applied is good enough to be called wisdom...
You get to practice the IQ vs EQ... the IQ>EQ or EQ>IQ...
The final grade/attainment is not based on professors... it is GOD who creates the curriculum & your experiences are your proof abilities & capabilities...

As we get older, (it will always be a question of the knowledge & wisdom combined), if you've become wiser, smarter or better person or otherwise...
We often hear the clichés like:  
As you get older you become wiser... 
Children learn what they live/children live what they learn...
that is if and only if you use the balanced IQ&EQ... It is based on how you utilize them...

What am I getting at?
It is not a guarantee that those who became famous, lived a great life, achieved so many goals, had high paychecks left this universe feeling fulfilled... satisfied... grateful... happy... amazing...
there are those who live or lived their lives with all the fame, power & fortune yet ended up miserable and alone or worse unhappy and ungrateful and there are also some who had nothing and became no one who lived life to the fullest yet died in peace with gratitude in their souls and were able to leave their memories alive for others to live and remember them by...

MY MANTRA IS: 
IF I CAN'T DO ANYTHING TO MAKE OTHER LIVES WORTH LIVING, I'D JUST MAKE SURE MINE IS WORTHY OF THE CHANCE TO BE IN THIS WORLD, GRATEFUL TO HAVE BEEN GIVEN A SHOT TO TRY TO LIVE ONE...
what others tell me or talk behind my back about still matters to me not because they have the power to rule over my mind & spirit, instead I use those encouraging praises, constructive criticisms, or foul judgment as tools to help me get to my goal, kind of an affirmation/validation as to where I've gone as far as my destiny's concern- to become better?...  I made the learning/s I gained from the schools I attended to useful/helpful in my life that I am attending right now... the UNIVERSITY's pattern molded my being to get me to the UNIVERSE IT IS  that I'm living at... just like my grammar (I don't usually proofread the material that I write about, I just jot it down and -sometimes/almost never- I just make some corrections to make sure my thoughts are clearly shared or may I say worth reading) I consider the mistakes changeable? so as to make it perfectly interpreted but then I realized that only practice makes perfect but since nobody's perfect, why practice? (haha #tsugug #lusotmuch) so I just keep the thoughts simple and understandable rather than impressive... (wala naman akong basis kung may nakakabasa at all eh... kaya online diary na lang given my limited capacity -in writing whether literally & figuratively-) easier, outcome lang naman ng overflowing thoughts 'to eh or sometimes just an outburst of my current emotions... opinion-based, inspired by my solitary confinement, if someone gets offended or feels like it's about them (it's totally up to them... my page, my liberty as long as I don't name names)... I intentionally created this page for my random realizations/epiphanies not for commercial use haha... I celebrate life but I don't intend to be a celebrity...

While waiting for a silver lining, I was able to reflect and review my life & learning/s (that both books and experiences taught me)...
It made me smile coz in this world where (almost if not) everybody hates a happy ending story, it's really a wonder how living a good one is possible or not...
there are still nice people who make you feel that life worth living or make you feel worthless like the dust in the wind, or make you feel that you didn't matter at all... as they say, this world are filled with nice people: if you cannot find one, then BE ONE!
Much as we deny to other people that we don't need anyone to acknowledge our existence to validate our worth, deep inside we know, it is undoubtedly true- we need some, hence: NO MAN IS AN ISLAND... it's either they make you feel that you matter so much that life won't be the same without you or make you feel like you never existed at all... we have to deal with coexistence...
We need those people (whichever role they play in our lives) coz when we're about to go home, we have to know the password or key to heaven's gate by answering God's ultimate question (even if He already knows the answer):

HOW DID YOU USE THE LIFE I BREATHE IN TO YOUR MORTAL BODY? 
#tsugug (anong grade kaya natin?) 

Losers focus on other people's lives success/failures; they are whining about winners while winners just focus on winning... ALIN TAYO DUN? do we whine or do we win?

UNIVERSITIES mold us, design us... (we can change it whenever/however/whichever: our choice)
KNOWLEDGE/INTELLINGENCE gives us DIPLOMA or even THE MOST: with MEDAL? CERTIFICATE? LICENSE?

VS.

UNIVERSE IT IS that describes & defines the characteristics of our design... (we are only given one shot in this lifetime... this is the make or break point... safe or sorry?)
WISDOM gives us TOOLS/ATTITUDE that make us smarter/appreciative/grateful at MINSAN MAY LIBRE KANG PANG "TOOTH" haha...

I can't say goodbye to you... an open letter to my first love...

Dear You know who you are,

Hi! It's been a while... a long while... I tried my best not to think of you since we parted ways but you've been so much a part of me that even every beat of my heart says your name...

I thought that I am so much over the pain of losing you, seeing you again brought back all our memories (both happy & sad ones) back to how they were then... Guess the chapters of my life that include you: from the moment we've met to the day that we said our goodbyes aren't really chapters... they're not just part of the story of my life... It's my life... because much as I deny your nonexistence, I still hear your voice, see your face, feel the gentle touch of your hand that made me feel like I was so brittle that you really made sure I'd be handled with utmost care...  Like I'm so fragile, you know me so well: that I break easily... Indeed, coz I feel so broken just with the thought of you that can only exist in my mind yet you owned my soul... I have no regrets because I know you felt how much I loved you and I still do... I made sure you know that and when we were still together, I'm certain you felt that... I saw to it you're assured that my heart belonged to you... The day you left, you took that with you, I'm sure you tried to help me move on... I thought I already did but I thought wrong... I promised you that I'd love the man I married. While writing this, I realized I may have broken that promise too... I still love you... I love my man but I can't "unlove" you...  much as you want me to, much as when I said "I do"... letting you go was the most difficult thing I ever did, unloving you made difficult IMPOSSIBLE... you're in my dreams... you're in my heart and soul... loving someone else as much I've loved you will never happen... I tried I know you know that too... but I always try my best coz I know that'll be easier for you to set me free... but we both know that our love for each other is eternal... God knows how much I tried, I cried coz I want you to be happy for me... but He also knows how much I'd rather be with you... I don't know why He'd rather let me be here than be back in your arms coz that's where I'd be in bliss and do what I please... I take all the trials head-on if that's what it takes to be with you again,.. but I just always end up battered with hurt and pain...

I know you see how much I'm loved but I also know that you are aware of my struggles about being jealous that you're happy without me... I'm happy too but I'd be happier with you... you said you'd never leave my side but you 're not here...you're not even near... to even give me a hug... that I can make it through without you... despite your broken promises and our dreams that will never come true, I still love you... I always convince myself that I've moved on, I'm still hoping and keeping the faith that we will be able to continue our love story... Every song I sing, every place I go to, every food I take, every move I make seems so fake... coz all those I wish it's you I share it with... it's you I'd ever need... it's only you that I want (when we were still together, your mantra was: WHAT RENEE WANTS, RENEE GETS) when you left the man who took your place tried his very best, you were right I guess, he is a good man, the best one that was born for me, but he cannot replace the void you left in my heart it's always you that I want and if "unloving" you is all I have to choose; I'm sorry I can't...

just like the love that I have for you and the love story we've had that I wish to tell...
this letter will have no ending... like the pain I have, the swell, I'll never be well...

You'll always be my first love... our memories is all I have...
til then, my prayer will still be is to see and be with you again...

I've got nothing on my mind: Nothing to remember, Nothing to forget. And I've got nothing to regret,
But I'm all tied up on the inside, no one knows quite what I've got and I know that on the outside
What I used to be, I'm not anymore. You know I've heard about people like me, but I never made the connection. They walk one road to set them free and find they've gone the wrong direction.
But there's no need for turning back 'cause all roads lead to where I stand.
And I believe I'll walk them all no matter what I may have planned.
Can you remember who I was? Can you still feel it? Can you find my pain? Can you heal it?
Then lay your hands upon me now and cast this darkness from my soul.
You alone can light my way. You alone can make me whole once again.
We've walked both sides of every street through all kinds of windy weather but that was never our defeat as long as we could walk together. 
So there's no need for turning back 'cause all roads lead to where we stand.
And I believe we'll walk them all no matter what we may have planned.

MY FIRST LOVE

 

MY FAMILY

OHANA